I had the pleasure of skyping with my family this past week. While somewhat routine, the calls were nevertheless much needed, greatly appreciated, and came just at the right time. My sister and nephew gave me a group hug, which was absolutely vital. My mom gave me all the news from the neighborhood and has been sending me text messages from Annapolis, where she and my father are spending a few days holiday. (cool to see that my mom has no concept of how much it costs to send an SMS around the world, just to say, “hey, we saw a boat!” mom approval rating – always quite high!)
My grandmother and I caught up last Saturday afternoon. She related her joy of being honored as the oldest DAR member in Dallas with a little display at a museum at the State Fair, adding that she was able to serve as living proof that the DAR really exists to a girl who had only heard about the DAR from an episode of the Gilmour Girls.
As we continued to chat about my imminent extended vacation, my grandmother went on to ask me the pointed question, “what is it about living so far away in another culture that is so important to you?” She’s asked the same question multiple times over the past 20 years.
Initially, I was a little exasperated, thinking that she had either forgotten or had never understood my previous answer. However, as I answered her again, I found myself wondering, “is my answer changing?”
I was indirectly asked the same question yesterday, though it was more along the lines of how it is to be so far away from family.
The answer is pretty simple, but somewhat complicated to explain, though I’ll only touch on part of my answer here.
I would argue that most everyone, myself included, does not make it a lifelong ambition to go off and be really miserable – whenever, however, or wherever.
Happiness, in my opinion, is what more people are likely after. Again, the questions have to be asked, “how, when, and where?”
Years ago (I can say that now that it’s been 5 years since I lived in the states), I remember pointing out to a colleague that, if I had to work in the same shit job, full of nonstop stress, frustration and anger (much as it was then), I’d just as soon do it in Europe, because I would be happier. Yes, I’m fully aware that even when I made the statement, I’d not been able to actually say that I’d already lived in Europe. But I had the feeling…
Well, I got that chance, took it, and not only am I happier (as dreamt, as planned) I also got a double load of additional stress, frustrations, and loads of other unpleasantness with the job. That said, the experience has still been extremely rewarding.
However, part of my original goal was always to learn (through interaction with other cultures and environments) to find a better balance between personal and professional life. I do feel that I could have learned the balancing act a wee bit better.
Plenty of people here have mentioned they notice the more negative impact the job has taken on me over the past years. While I will always be cognizant of their statements, their feedback, I’ll still look back over the past four years thinking that there have been more good times than bad (work related), but I believe also that most everyone here would still say the opposite. Lesson learned. Furthermore, that aspect will change.
A colleague at work today pointed out today that I looked happy, enthusiastic, relaxed (albeit still nervous and wacky…typical bryan), just like I appeared when we first met 4 years ago. In short, he gave me both a compliment and a reality check in the same breath.
Again, lesson learned.
Yesterday, while walking around the city, I sat smiling in a garden by myself, just thinking about the events of the past week, as well as a bit about my uncertain future. (note – this was not one of those “ooh, what’s up with that scary man with the leering grin over there on the bench” type smiles…more of a “mmmmh, it’s a nice chilly day outside. I’m glad I’m here enjoying it” smile)
It was time well spent, proven by the fact that my colleague wouldn’t have said what he said otherwise).
So, with 2 working days left, that smile grows bigger.
It’s not exactly a do-over that I’m getting, but it was overdue all the same.
Keep the faith.
bryan
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