Well, it has been kind of a peculiar week, but I guess nothing should really surprise me these days.
About this time last Friday, as I was gearing up for the weekend, I placed a spontaneous order for the sheet music for an album by one of my favorite composers. I have been playing (or learning to play) stuff by Ludovico Einaudi for a little over a year, and the guys music is just incredible. I have made a few nods in his direction in this space, but last Friday, while hearing a certain a piece, I immediately logged on and placed an order for the piano music and was pleased that it would be delivered via normal shipping the following Wednesday. I had no problems with the wait, as I have plenty of other music to play already.
I then proceeded to meet up with some friends for dinner. Earlier, one of them had phoned me with the request to borrow a little cutlery, plates, and a mug, on account that they moved away a few months ago, and their Frankfurt apartment is empty; save for an inflatable bed. I packed the items into a small backpack, brought it along to the restaurant, and we all enjoyed catching up. Afterwards, we made a beeline for the pub and spent the next couple of hours getting very drunk. It was a nice evening, and when I reached my limit, I paid up, said farewell, and headed home.
Saturday morning took a while to get going. I finally got out of bed around 10, which is very unusual for me, but after a few coffees felt pretty good. Then, I happened to check my phone and found a message saying, "hey Bryan, we forgot the bag last night. hopefully someone turned it in at the pub."
Crap.
At noon, I walked over to the pub and asked Maria if by chance the little backpack was there. She checked, found nothing, and I got a little antsy. Two minutes later, my friends walked in, hoping to find the back back as well, and they apologized for forgetting. As I said, everyone had had several drinks the previous evening. I was a little irritated, simply because my flat is furnished (including said items) and one day, probably many years from now, I would have to make sure the flat had those items. Sure, I could go buy some new plates and whatever, but it would be a little bit of a hassle.
Rather than worry about it, I just had a beer, then headed back home to do a few things around the house, including making my shopping list. I had no real plans for the day, save for the trip to the supermarket, and I really did not want to let the afternoon get away from me. So, I got my act together, took the 15 minute shopping trip (I am speedy) and returned home to check the mailbox, where I found that the local logistics guy had come by with a package for me. Fortunately, the card indicated that he had left the package with my neighbor, so I rang her doorbell and was delighted to find that she had my new sheet music, ordered just hours before. I will give credit to the powers that be and am really glad that I did not spend an extra 25 euro on faster shipping.
Suddenly, I had a new plan for Saturday afternoon, and that was to sightread the new music. The album is called "In a Time Lapse," and is just incredibly melodic. Listening to this composer makes me feel like playing piano, and it is hardly as if I need a lot of encouragement to play already.
So, each day this week, I have found time to sit down and work on playing my new music. Einaudi, in my opinion, is quite a magician. The music he writes sounds so simple (in fact the genre is frequently referred to as minimalist), but playing it is more complicated than it initially sounds. True, I only trained for a certain amount of years with piano, and perhaps my skill level would have been higher had I played in university. However, I do have ability, and quite like the challenge of learning something new, even if it only gets played in the privacy of my own flat.
I continue my physical therapy on my back, but this past week finally got into the gym for a little light training, also, and that has been a nice relief. I went almost 2 months without going in the gym and that was not easy for me.
Meanwhile, it has been hotter than shit in Frankfurt, to the point of almost being unpleasant. I have to pick my words carefully, because I know where I come from, and it can sound a little whiny to complain about the heat. I have a couple of friends who share my distaste for super hot weather (one guy actually has to go stay in a hotel when it gets like it got this past week), and we have stayed in regular communication, hoping that something would break and the temperatures would drop.
That actually happened last evening around 18h45. Finally, a huge, albeit brief, storm came through and basically cooled everything off. I had just gone in the pub when my phone chirped and I saw a message from the (hotel heat) guy saying "yippee the weather is better." I was about to respond via text when I noticed him getting out of his car directly across the street. He grabbed a beer and then we stood outside and did a little rain appreciation dance.
Then, minutes later, the storm passed, and we continued dancing and drinking at the barrel outside the pub.
Like every Friday morning, I woke up looking forward to the weekend, not so much because I have anything really planned, but rather, simply because I won't have to work. Sure, I need to work on that mentality just a bit, and as you might have read in some of the previous posts, I am trying to put some effort into something new.
As I drank my first coffee, I decided to check my expenses for the month and also opened the mail that I brought upstairs last evening when I emptied my postbox. I was a bit surprised to find a reminder notice from Deutsche Bahn; They had not yet received my payment for my annual travel card. I had been sitting here the whole month checking my bank account each day to see when THEY were going to take out the funds. For whatever reason, this time around I received a bill.
No problem. I logged into my account and started making the online payment transaction. With my bank, I receive a text message giving me a little code every time I do a transaction. This keeps things very secure and works really well. That is, as long as your receiving phone is working.
Very few people know my "private" mobile telephone number, because I have not really used it in almost 8 years. However, I do use that number for my banking transactions. The number that most people use to contact me is actually my "work" number, but that's another topic.
I heard the text message alert on my private mobile, but then the device would not respond. It is a really old BlackBerry and it has been several weeks since I have had to make a bank transaction. Apparently the software kind of locked up which is normally not a huge issue; one simply just need to reset or restart the mobile. So, I did this.
Once the phone restarted, I was prompted to enter my pin number, and because I do not really use this phone, I never remember the pin. My problem today was that I could not remember where I had stored the pin information. It has probably been over a year since I last had to reboot the phone, so I spent a few minutes trying to figure out what to do.
I checked the last place I remembered seeing what I thought was my pin, and was happy to find the little scrap of paper showing the pin number. I was not pleased when my phone said "pin fehler" and indicated I now had 2 more tries before the phone would lock me out.
This whole time, my online transaction was sitting there unable to be completed, and I figured in a few minutes that would also time out and log me out of the transaction. So, I went to my "scary drawer" which is the top drawer in a bureau that sits in my living room. Everything from old birthday cards to extra charging cables to random happy meal prizes goes in the drawer and I had remembered that I had hastily shoved a bunch of stuff in there right before my parents arrived to visit two months ago.
Bingo, I found a little proper scrap of rub-off paper that showed my pin. I entered that in my phone, all the while thinking, "I thought that the paper had a little red color on it."
Pin Fehler. Only one more try.
Indeed, I had found one of the pin card things that Telekom had sent me, but it was not the most recent one.
I was starting to get a little antsy because I really really wanted to avoid locking my phone. I have recently decided that I probably don't need the phone any longer but the urgent problem is that, in order to make any kind of change to how I receive my transaction code information my bank I have to give a transaction code. Therefore, if I wanted to change the mobile telephone number with my bank so that they send all future codes to another number, I would have to first obtain a code (via my old number) in order to validate the transaction. So, I was one try away from being in a real pickle.
All while this was happening, I had "In a Time Lapse" playing in the background, and as is pretty regular with me, I had to make my morning trip to the bathroom, which added a few minutes to this whole ordeal. Neat.
I almost broke my rule of only one cigarette per hour (kind of a new rule) but I was at a loss (one might even say lapse) as to how in the hell I suddenly could not find my correct pin number for my private mobile.
I pulled myself together, took another trip through the scary drawer, this time taking things out of the drawer instead of trying to rummage around through the same shit five times. I found two stocking caps, a sharpie that I had been looking for for months, an old watch, two more old BlackBerrys, and then I caught a glimpse of a little piece of paper with some red on it. My PIN!
With a whoosh, I entered the number, saw that it was accepted, then took a quick bathroom break, and finally returned to my laptop, where I logged back into my bank, set up the Bahncard transaction, then received my transaction code on my private mobile, then completed the bank transaction. Task completed.
Only one final thing to do, which was to not put the private pin back in the scary drawer.
And now, it is time for the weekend. See you out there.
Friday, June 23, 2017
Saturday, June 10, 2017
Playing Mind Games With Myself
The Tuesday before Easter, my parents arrived in Germany for a visit. They were unable to come last year, so they were really looking forward to returning to Frankfurt after two years. Likewise, I was pretty enthused about the time we would have; we had not really planned much other than to simply hang out and be relaxed.
As I was getting out of the shower that morning, feeling like I had sufficient time to dress and get to the airport to meet them, I felt a familiar pop in my back, and realized immediately that once again, I had "done my back in."
I immediately became more anxious, and ultimately did not feel able to go to the airport. So, when my mom called, somewhat concerned, I told her that they would need to take a taxi to their hotel, and I would see them a bit later.
For the next week and half, including the Easter break, I struggled through my back pain and managed to have a pretty good time with my folks despite my ailment. Just when I was starting to feel better one morning, I reached into the chest of drawers to get a shirt and felt my back go out again. Unbelievable.
This second time round, I had the feeling that things were worse than two weeks before, and that set me down the wrong path. My parents were in town for another week, and we continued to try and make the best of things. I actually thought I was on the way to recovery just as my folks were ending their visit. Chris arrived on the last evening my parents were here, and despite the constant pain and discomfort, I felt I was rallying and able to cope. I was particularly glad that Chris was in town for a few days, as we would have a chance to catch up and do our own bit of hanging out. Additionally, his visit would make the absence of my parents a little easier; I always go through a let down period after time with family.
Well, I had one nice evening in a local German pub with Chris, but two days later right as the long weekend was starting, I experienced some extreme anxiety and ended up going to the ER, where I spent a night in the hospital. By the following morning, I felt better, and certainly wanted to go home, but spent most of the day waiting for a doctor to come by and give me an unofficial release. Due to the holiday weekend, resources were limited, and I was a lower priority (in comparison to other people in the hospital).
I arrived back home around 17h on Saturday evening, about 24 hours after I was checked in. Chris had dinner plans and was to catch an early flight back to the states the following morning, so I just stayed quietly at home. The following day, I did venture out and spent a remarkable afternoon sitting outside the pub. The weather was nice, a lot of friends were around, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself, even though I was irritated about missing some time with my friend, and all the while still very conscious that my back was not back to 100%.
The next two days were very difficult, and I was feeling all sorts of pains and aches, most likely because of my back, but I let my thoughts get the best of me, and I continued to get more and more concerned. Right after the May Day holiday, I went to the doctor, who promptly gave me an injection. We repeated that the next couple of days, and as the pain subsided, I hoped that I would continue my recovery. Unlike previous experiences where I have done something to my back, including last year, I had never had cortisone shots, and was not really keen to continue them. But, I was still very anxious, because as the days passed, I did not feel that things were improving. This was significant to me, as usually things would improve almost on a daily basis. At least, that was my experience from before.
After enduring another really difficult weekend, I felt physically and mentally exhausted, but contacted a local physical therapy praxis, as my doctor has prescribed some PT for me. Fortunately, I got to speak with a guy who arranged for my first session the following morning. Since that time, I have had about 10 sessions, usually two times per week. Between treatments, I usually have felt better, but within a day or two, I would experience various bits of discomfort, numbness, and realized that this time around, I had clearly aggravated something in my back far worse than ever before.
The ups and downs that I have had over the past 5 weeks have been mind blowing. I am one of those guys that likes to actively participate in any therapy recovery, as I realize that simply going to PT is not enough. This is similar to learning piano. Taking a piano lesson once per week is good, but you do not really advance unless you put in your practice hours on a regular (daily) basis. I know several therapists in Frankfurt and we have often discussed this. One does not get better simply by 2 sessions per week, but it what gets done outside of those sessions that is important.
My PT recognized my interest in participating in my improvement, and I am very fortunate to be working with him. I have learned a whole lot in the past month, and even though a lot of the information seems to be logical, sometimes I think that I already knew some of things, but the significance for me now is that I am finally starting to recognize the impact of how my subconscious is involved in all of this.
About a week ago, I woke up really really early on a Saturday morning, way before a reasonable hour for a weekend. OK, I like early mornings, but 4h30 was ridiculous. However, after attempting to go back to sleep a couple of times, I finally just said, "I am fucking up."
A bit later that morning, after a few coffees, I reflected on my statement to myself, and then I repeated it several times, but this time intending a different meaning. No longer was I talking about being awake (since the espresso helped that out a lot), but I was referring to the fact that I was making mistakes. Making mistakes in the way I was dealing with my back problems, making mistakes with the way I was dealing with the stress and angst that, while already prevalent in my life because of work, was now being compounded by the constant thoughts I was having about my back.
I thought back to the past few weeks and remembered the times when my back felt better. Usually I was more relaxed and at peace. Hence, the overnight stay in the hospital helped me, since I was supposedly in the safety and comfort of a place where I could easily receive any needed medical treatment. But, the following day after my brilliant Sunday afternoon, anxiety came flooding back and I immediately was feeling awful, both physically and mentally.
Getting the perspective of a very knowledgeable PT has been excellent. The guy knows his stuff, and even though I have many friends who have all said similar things, perhaps it is just hearing the message presented in a slightly different way (or in a different environment) that helps me comprehend.
Never being one to simply take one opinion as the "word," I continued to discuss some of my issues with friends, and likewise compared experiences with colleagues or Kumpels who have also had back problems. One friend mentioned a book that he heard about, which I went out and purchased. I finished it this morning, and it has given me further food for thought. The book is about healing back pain and relates the pain to stress and how we cope, how we repress our emotions.
Many things from the book make a whole lot of sense, and my PT has regularly mentioned several of the main topics over the past few weeks. In short, I am taking in a whole lot of information and relating it to my personal situation. I am realizing (in some cases for the umpteenth time) just how important the mind is when it comes to the physical being, and I recognize that I have some work to do.
I have always considered myself to be a pretty strong person, both physically and mentally, but of course that goes out the window when you have excruciating back pain, and then once your mind starts freaking out about everything, things just compound themselves. So, I am having to refocus on me, my emotions, and how I deal with all of it. A key point involves how I seem to have repressed a lot of my emotions. This creates a lot of tension, and most people that know me know me as a pretty intense individual. While that is (in my opinion) a pretty admirable character trait, it does have some associated consequences: I struggle to relax, and when working in a pretty stressful job (as I have done for 20 years), I have never really been good at simply being able to switch myself off.
My physical therapist said during our initial meeting that I was really really strong. Years of spending time in the gym and being active have been a huge benefit. That being said, in the same sentence, he told me that the experience I was having with my back was the way my body was telling me to fuck off. You see, I have always spent too much time trying to stay strong and not enough time trying to create a better balance (through rest, peace, relaxation, etc).
It is difficult to comprehend sometimes when you think you are doing all the right things, only to find out that you cause yourself some harm or damage. Fortunately, understanding and accepting how this all works is comforting, because one can then focus on how to improve.
For years, I have always made lists, whether it be a simply grocery list or a list of my top 10 albums or books or films, or a list of the pros and cons with my life, my profession, etc. Last year, I went through this exercise several times, with good results, but this is all the more reason that the past two months have been so discouraging and upsetting.
Last week, I spoke with an old colleague, a friend of mine. I related some of my recent troubles and he mentioned that what helps him is to write a list of the top 5 most important things for life, and the top 5 things for a job/profession. I spent a few days contemplating, then scribbled down a few points. So far I have identified 4 things for life, and only 1 thing for profession. This afternoon I will continue to work on those lists. Additionally, I plan on jotting down a top 5 list of things that really piss me off. This is important to me because I realize that repressing anger is just creating more stress, and deferring the stress instead of dealing with it has been where I have been lacking.
My style has always been to push through, stay strong, and I am now realizing that this was not totally the correct thing for me. Like always, the adventure continues, and I look forward to enjoying the journey. This does not mean it always be smooth sailing, and I certainly need to do a lot of reflection on my career path, but I feel up for the challenge. I always had a little post note stuck on the wall of my office cubicle during my 20s which said, "psych it up." At the time, it was my mantra (one of several), but over the years I started feeling it was a little dated.
However, the other week I listened to just about every Clash album. I hadn't done that in a long long time, and clearly had been missing it. Talk about a bit of motivation. It was brilliant. It really psyched me up in a very positive way.
So, weiter geht's. A little music here and there, a lot of reflection, and continue making, taking time for myself.
See you out there.
bryan
As I was getting out of the shower that morning, feeling like I had sufficient time to dress and get to the airport to meet them, I felt a familiar pop in my back, and realized immediately that once again, I had "done my back in."
I immediately became more anxious, and ultimately did not feel able to go to the airport. So, when my mom called, somewhat concerned, I told her that they would need to take a taxi to their hotel, and I would see them a bit later.
For the next week and half, including the Easter break, I struggled through my back pain and managed to have a pretty good time with my folks despite my ailment. Just when I was starting to feel better one morning, I reached into the chest of drawers to get a shirt and felt my back go out again. Unbelievable.
This second time round, I had the feeling that things were worse than two weeks before, and that set me down the wrong path. My parents were in town for another week, and we continued to try and make the best of things. I actually thought I was on the way to recovery just as my folks were ending their visit. Chris arrived on the last evening my parents were here, and despite the constant pain and discomfort, I felt I was rallying and able to cope. I was particularly glad that Chris was in town for a few days, as we would have a chance to catch up and do our own bit of hanging out. Additionally, his visit would make the absence of my parents a little easier; I always go through a let down period after time with family.
Well, I had one nice evening in a local German pub with Chris, but two days later right as the long weekend was starting, I experienced some extreme anxiety and ended up going to the ER, where I spent a night in the hospital. By the following morning, I felt better, and certainly wanted to go home, but spent most of the day waiting for a doctor to come by and give me an unofficial release. Due to the holiday weekend, resources were limited, and I was a lower priority (in comparison to other people in the hospital).
I arrived back home around 17h on Saturday evening, about 24 hours after I was checked in. Chris had dinner plans and was to catch an early flight back to the states the following morning, so I just stayed quietly at home. The following day, I did venture out and spent a remarkable afternoon sitting outside the pub. The weather was nice, a lot of friends were around, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself, even though I was irritated about missing some time with my friend, and all the while still very conscious that my back was not back to 100%.
The next two days were very difficult, and I was feeling all sorts of pains and aches, most likely because of my back, but I let my thoughts get the best of me, and I continued to get more and more concerned. Right after the May Day holiday, I went to the doctor, who promptly gave me an injection. We repeated that the next couple of days, and as the pain subsided, I hoped that I would continue my recovery. Unlike previous experiences where I have done something to my back, including last year, I had never had cortisone shots, and was not really keen to continue them. But, I was still very anxious, because as the days passed, I did not feel that things were improving. This was significant to me, as usually things would improve almost on a daily basis. At least, that was my experience from before.
After enduring another really difficult weekend, I felt physically and mentally exhausted, but contacted a local physical therapy praxis, as my doctor has prescribed some PT for me. Fortunately, I got to speak with a guy who arranged for my first session the following morning. Since that time, I have had about 10 sessions, usually two times per week. Between treatments, I usually have felt better, but within a day or two, I would experience various bits of discomfort, numbness, and realized that this time around, I had clearly aggravated something in my back far worse than ever before.
The ups and downs that I have had over the past 5 weeks have been mind blowing. I am one of those guys that likes to actively participate in any therapy recovery, as I realize that simply going to PT is not enough. This is similar to learning piano. Taking a piano lesson once per week is good, but you do not really advance unless you put in your practice hours on a regular (daily) basis. I know several therapists in Frankfurt and we have often discussed this. One does not get better simply by 2 sessions per week, but it what gets done outside of those sessions that is important.
My PT recognized my interest in participating in my improvement, and I am very fortunate to be working with him. I have learned a whole lot in the past month, and even though a lot of the information seems to be logical, sometimes I think that I already knew some of things, but the significance for me now is that I am finally starting to recognize the impact of how my subconscious is involved in all of this.
About a week ago, I woke up really really early on a Saturday morning, way before a reasonable hour for a weekend. OK, I like early mornings, but 4h30 was ridiculous. However, after attempting to go back to sleep a couple of times, I finally just said, "I am fucking up."
A bit later that morning, after a few coffees, I reflected on my statement to myself, and then I repeated it several times, but this time intending a different meaning. No longer was I talking about being awake (since the espresso helped that out a lot), but I was referring to the fact that I was making mistakes. Making mistakes in the way I was dealing with my back problems, making mistakes with the way I was dealing with the stress and angst that, while already prevalent in my life because of work, was now being compounded by the constant thoughts I was having about my back.
I thought back to the past few weeks and remembered the times when my back felt better. Usually I was more relaxed and at peace. Hence, the overnight stay in the hospital helped me, since I was supposedly in the safety and comfort of a place where I could easily receive any needed medical treatment. But, the following day after my brilliant Sunday afternoon, anxiety came flooding back and I immediately was feeling awful, both physically and mentally.
Getting the perspective of a very knowledgeable PT has been excellent. The guy knows his stuff, and even though I have many friends who have all said similar things, perhaps it is just hearing the message presented in a slightly different way (or in a different environment) that helps me comprehend.
Never being one to simply take one opinion as the "word," I continued to discuss some of my issues with friends, and likewise compared experiences with colleagues or Kumpels who have also had back problems. One friend mentioned a book that he heard about, which I went out and purchased. I finished it this morning, and it has given me further food for thought. The book is about healing back pain and relates the pain to stress and how we cope, how we repress our emotions.
Many things from the book make a whole lot of sense, and my PT has regularly mentioned several of the main topics over the past few weeks. In short, I am taking in a whole lot of information and relating it to my personal situation. I am realizing (in some cases for the umpteenth time) just how important the mind is when it comes to the physical being, and I recognize that I have some work to do.
I have always considered myself to be a pretty strong person, both physically and mentally, but of course that goes out the window when you have excruciating back pain, and then once your mind starts freaking out about everything, things just compound themselves. So, I am having to refocus on me, my emotions, and how I deal with all of it. A key point involves how I seem to have repressed a lot of my emotions. This creates a lot of tension, and most people that know me know me as a pretty intense individual. While that is (in my opinion) a pretty admirable character trait, it does have some associated consequences: I struggle to relax, and when working in a pretty stressful job (as I have done for 20 years), I have never really been good at simply being able to switch myself off.
My physical therapist said during our initial meeting that I was really really strong. Years of spending time in the gym and being active have been a huge benefit. That being said, in the same sentence, he told me that the experience I was having with my back was the way my body was telling me to fuck off. You see, I have always spent too much time trying to stay strong and not enough time trying to create a better balance (through rest, peace, relaxation, etc).
It is difficult to comprehend sometimes when you think you are doing all the right things, only to find out that you cause yourself some harm or damage. Fortunately, understanding and accepting how this all works is comforting, because one can then focus on how to improve.
For years, I have always made lists, whether it be a simply grocery list or a list of my top 10 albums or books or films, or a list of the pros and cons with my life, my profession, etc. Last year, I went through this exercise several times, with good results, but this is all the more reason that the past two months have been so discouraging and upsetting.
Last week, I spoke with an old colleague, a friend of mine. I related some of my recent troubles and he mentioned that what helps him is to write a list of the top 5 most important things for life, and the top 5 things for a job/profession. I spent a few days contemplating, then scribbled down a few points. So far I have identified 4 things for life, and only 1 thing for profession. This afternoon I will continue to work on those lists. Additionally, I plan on jotting down a top 5 list of things that really piss me off. This is important to me because I realize that repressing anger is just creating more stress, and deferring the stress instead of dealing with it has been where I have been lacking.
My style has always been to push through, stay strong, and I am now realizing that this was not totally the correct thing for me. Like always, the adventure continues, and I look forward to enjoying the journey. This does not mean it always be smooth sailing, and I certainly need to do a lot of reflection on my career path, but I feel up for the challenge. I always had a little post note stuck on the wall of my office cubicle during my 20s which said, "psych it up." At the time, it was my mantra (one of several), but over the years I started feeling it was a little dated.
However, the other week I listened to just about every Clash album. I hadn't done that in a long long time, and clearly had been missing it. Talk about a bit of motivation. It was brilliant. It really psyched me up in a very positive way.
So, weiter geht's. A little music here and there, a lot of reflection, and continue making, taking time for myself.
See you out there.
bryan
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