I have never really been a fan of having my picture taken, driven likely by the fact that I don’t believe I make for very good photos. That said, I don’t just run and hide every time someone pops out with a camera. Sure, I’ve been tagged a few times on facebook or wherever, and I guess it just goes with the territory.
My indifference to being photographed has extended to actually taking pictures. I can’t count the number of times that someone from the states has complained that I never seemed to have any photos from Frankfurt or somewhere else in Germany. However, I never really used a camera when I lived in the states, either. It just isn’t my thing.
Truth be told, I’m kind of on the fence. On one hand, I’m always kind of glad that someone does actually seem to have a camera around, thus saving me the hassle. My mother is pretty good about snapping lot of pix at just about every family event. Likewise, friends on both sides of the ocean seem to have the knack for documenting the right events in the right fashion.
Sometimes, though, I get the feeling that people kind of over do it. I think during the last four years of commuting to work each day by train, maybe three times in TOTAL did I not see someone taking a photo of the regionalbahn or the intercity train. Yes, the very train that runs about every half hour between Frankfurt and Darmstadt. Hardly the necessary picture to put up on the wall…
True, I live in a city which has a lot of tourism, but I’m really speaking more about those moments that happen in regular daily. I saw a guy taking a picture of somebody entering the Apotheke the other morning; is it so necessary to document the purchase of foot powder or whatever?
OK, I’m not really trying to pass judgment here. I personally prefer trying (stress the word “trying”) to relate the experience through writing. Of course, I don’t try to describe it so much as I try to help the reader visualize it, simply by connecting it to something the reader already knows. Hence the reason I’ve always tended to say that the typical grocery store in my neighborhood is pretty much exactly like the Whole Foods Market on Lower Greenville, as opposed to me trying to upload a photo of my local Rewe for everyone to see.
Enough of me being off on a tangent; I was just trying to make the point that I like relating events better without pictures, leaving the reader to imagine the scene themselves.
So, the events of last week were all centered on my final few days of work. It was a wee bit emotional, and I’m rather glad that no one popped out a camera.
As you can imagine, I spent more time smoking and joking in the office than I did actually doing “work.” After all, I was in exit mode, and more interested in making sure I’d handed things over to my team. The humorous bit is that my job has always been more about how I did things as opposed to exactly what I did. Processes are pretty easy to document, since the job itself was relatively straightforward. The challenge came from trying to explain the “art” of actually doing the job. Style comes from the individual and tends to vary from one person to the next, even though the results will pretty much be the same.
What I found to be a bit touching was that my colleagues seemed a bit distraught that I was soon to be out of the, er, picture. They were concerned that the support was going away, so I really spent my final days just reassuring everyone that they already had the knowhow, the right answers; they are more than capable of carrying on without me.
What made things emotional was when my team gathered and presented me with a card telling me just how great an influence I had had with them; an influence that they found very special, and one they would not forget.
Yep, that choked me up.
I spent four years building a team, building a program, and suddenly, I am no longer there. It meant a lot to see that everyone (er, save the firing manager) was very gracious and appreciative of my efforts.
So that was last Thursday afternoon. It was nice to go out on a high. I was glad to be leaving, but a bit sad to leave the group, the customers, and the experience. A handful of external phone calls and emails from the customer and partners expressing gratitude and well wishes just made the day better.
I’d planned to go out with my head high, with a smile on my face, to ride off into the sunset. I did just that, though the crowded bus didn’t have such a dramatic effect.
Last Friday, I officially started vacation, which officially extends until the end of November. How long I extend my vacation beyond that is up to me. So far, so good.
Relaxed and smiling are two words which have reentered my vocabulary, and it’s quite nice to have them back.
I’ll relate more on the vacation time in the coming weeks, but focus is on stress free, with a capital fuck yeah. Remind me to relate the story about chopping up a habanero pepper, then inadvertently rubbing my eye; whatever was I thinking???
Excusing that unplanned incident (which I’ve written off as a moronic glitch), the kind of stress I’m experiencing right now involves deciding if I should have a coffee, then a shower, or a shower, then a coffee each morning. Not bad.
A couple of weeks ago, I was photographed at a birthday party. Someone later commented just how anxious and worked up I looked in that pic.
I will say that one can notice a whole lot from a photo, particularly someone’s true emotions. I just saw some pictures of a recent wedding where everyone, dressed in elegance, and simply beautiful (like, knock you over beautiful), looked really really happy.
The cool thing is that if I happen to get caught in a photo right now, myself, people will be saying the exact same thing about me.
Keep the faith.
bryan
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
When You're Happy and You Know It...
I had the pleasure of skyping with my family this past week. While somewhat routine, the calls were nevertheless much needed, greatly appreciated, and came just at the right time. My sister and nephew gave me a group hug, which was absolutely vital. My mom gave me all the news from the neighborhood and has been sending me text messages from Annapolis, where she and my father are spending a few days holiday. (cool to see that my mom has no concept of how much it costs to send an SMS around the world, just to say, “hey, we saw a boat!” mom approval rating – always quite high!)
My grandmother and I caught up last Saturday afternoon. She related her joy of being honored as the oldest DAR member in Dallas with a little display at a museum at the State Fair, adding that she was able to serve as living proof that the DAR really exists to a girl who had only heard about the DAR from an episode of the Gilmour Girls.
As we continued to chat about my imminent extended vacation, my grandmother went on to ask me the pointed question, “what is it about living so far away in another culture that is so important to you?” She’s asked the same question multiple times over the past 20 years.
Initially, I was a little exasperated, thinking that she had either forgotten or had never understood my previous answer. However, as I answered her again, I found myself wondering, “is my answer changing?”
I was indirectly asked the same question yesterday, though it was more along the lines of how it is to be so far away from family.
The answer is pretty simple, but somewhat complicated to explain, though I’ll only touch on part of my answer here.
I would argue that most everyone, myself included, does not make it a lifelong ambition to go off and be really miserable – whenever, however, or wherever.
Happiness, in my opinion, is what more people are likely after. Again, the questions have to be asked, “how, when, and where?”
Years ago (I can say that now that it’s been 5 years since I lived in the states), I remember pointing out to a colleague that, if I had to work in the same shit job, full of nonstop stress, frustration and anger (much as it was then), I’d just as soon do it in Europe, because I would be happier. Yes, I’m fully aware that even when I made the statement, I’d not been able to actually say that I’d already lived in Europe. But I had the feeling…
Well, I got that chance, took it, and not only am I happier (as dreamt, as planned) I also got a double load of additional stress, frustrations, and loads of other unpleasantness with the job. That said, the experience has still been extremely rewarding.
However, part of my original goal was always to learn (through interaction with other cultures and environments) to find a better balance between personal and professional life. I do feel that I could have learned the balancing act a wee bit better.
Plenty of people here have mentioned they notice the more negative impact the job has taken on me over the past years. While I will always be cognizant of their statements, their feedback, I’ll still look back over the past four years thinking that there have been more good times than bad (work related), but I believe also that most everyone here would still say the opposite. Lesson learned. Furthermore, that aspect will change.
A colleague at work today pointed out today that I looked happy, enthusiastic, relaxed (albeit still nervous and wacky…typical bryan), just like I appeared when we first met 4 years ago. In short, he gave me both a compliment and a reality check in the same breath.
Again, lesson learned.
Yesterday, while walking around the city, I sat smiling in a garden by myself, just thinking about the events of the past week, as well as a bit about my uncertain future. (note – this was not one of those “ooh, what’s up with that scary man with the leering grin over there on the bench” type smiles…more of a “mmmmh, it’s a nice chilly day outside. I’m glad I’m here enjoying it” smile)
It was time well spent, proven by the fact that my colleague wouldn’t have said what he said otherwise).
So, with 2 working days left, that smile grows bigger.
It’s not exactly a do-over that I’m getting, but it was overdue all the same.
Keep the faith.
bryan
My grandmother and I caught up last Saturday afternoon. She related her joy of being honored as the oldest DAR member in Dallas with a little display at a museum at the State Fair, adding that she was able to serve as living proof that the DAR really exists to a girl who had only heard about the DAR from an episode of the Gilmour Girls.
As we continued to chat about my imminent extended vacation, my grandmother went on to ask me the pointed question, “what is it about living so far away in another culture that is so important to you?” She’s asked the same question multiple times over the past 20 years.
Initially, I was a little exasperated, thinking that she had either forgotten or had never understood my previous answer. However, as I answered her again, I found myself wondering, “is my answer changing?”
I was indirectly asked the same question yesterday, though it was more along the lines of how it is to be so far away from family.
The answer is pretty simple, but somewhat complicated to explain, though I’ll only touch on part of my answer here.
I would argue that most everyone, myself included, does not make it a lifelong ambition to go off and be really miserable – whenever, however, or wherever.
Happiness, in my opinion, is what more people are likely after. Again, the questions have to be asked, “how, when, and where?”
Years ago (I can say that now that it’s been 5 years since I lived in the states), I remember pointing out to a colleague that, if I had to work in the same shit job, full of nonstop stress, frustration and anger (much as it was then), I’d just as soon do it in Europe, because I would be happier. Yes, I’m fully aware that even when I made the statement, I’d not been able to actually say that I’d already lived in Europe. But I had the feeling…
Well, I got that chance, took it, and not only am I happier (as dreamt, as planned) I also got a double load of additional stress, frustrations, and loads of other unpleasantness with the job. That said, the experience has still been extremely rewarding.
However, part of my original goal was always to learn (through interaction with other cultures and environments) to find a better balance between personal and professional life. I do feel that I could have learned the balancing act a wee bit better.
Plenty of people here have mentioned they notice the more negative impact the job has taken on me over the past years. While I will always be cognizant of their statements, their feedback, I’ll still look back over the past four years thinking that there have been more good times than bad (work related), but I believe also that most everyone here would still say the opposite. Lesson learned. Furthermore, that aspect will change.
A colleague at work today pointed out today that I looked happy, enthusiastic, relaxed (albeit still nervous and wacky…typical bryan), just like I appeared when we first met 4 years ago. In short, he gave me both a compliment and a reality check in the same breath.
Again, lesson learned.
Yesterday, while walking around the city, I sat smiling in a garden by myself, just thinking about the events of the past week, as well as a bit about my uncertain future. (note – this was not one of those “ooh, what’s up with that scary man with the leering grin over there on the bench” type smiles…more of a “mmmmh, it’s a nice chilly day outside. I’m glad I’m here enjoying it” smile)
It was time well spent, proven by the fact that my colleague wouldn’t have said what he said otherwise).
So, with 2 working days left, that smile grows bigger.
It’s not exactly a do-over that I’m getting, but it was overdue all the same.
Keep the faith.
bryan
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Dirty Socks in the Hamper, Please...
Well, last week was national depression awareness week, or something along those lines. At least, that's how I interpreted it when I read one of the yahoo headlines.
I sort of laughed to myself when I read the brief article on the top things that drive depression; I was 6 for 6 from the short list, and while I'd like to think I was already aware (ie..no need to celebrate a week of "hey, wake up! all this shit going on right now is bugging you" when you already know it), I did appreciate the reminders.
The past couple of weeks I've slept very little, which does not do good things for someone who tends to need quite a bit of sleep at the best of times. More than once, I had frightening moments when I glanced in the mirror as I shaved. “ooh, scary!”
True, I always wear my heart on my sleeve, and efforts to mask my emotions only work so well, even with the wit and sarcasm I have in my arsenal. People noticed my demeanor, and I found it difficult to explain just how frustrating it is to have to get up and go to work each day despite being totally uninvolved in things, now.
Fortunately, my appointment with the court to discuss my severance package was scheduled for Thursday. The early part of the week was full of ups and downs as I struggled with a bit of anxiety. I wasn’t exactly sure how the process was going to go. While I’ve accepted the fact that it’s simply the way things are done here, I am still not in total agreement.
Thursday morning came, and I wore a suit to work (first time in quite a while without ska-core footwear), which caused a bit of commotion on the bus, as the conductor (actually most of the passengers who commute with me each day, for that matter) was a bit surprised to see me in my attire. Upon arrival at work, my boss even pointed out that one normally didn’t wear a suit to this type of appointment.
I saw his point when I arrived at the courthouse after lunch to meet my lawyer, who showed up in just a sport coat. So, the proceedings were pretty straightforward: we sat with the judge and the company lawyer and discussed the fact that I had been dismissed. Their argument, there was no longer a need for someone to do my job. I did have to explain to the judge just what exactly my job was, and after that, the company put an offer of severance on the table. After a quick hallway discussion with my lawyer, we countered with a higher figure, and, after a bit of haggling, involving a rather unprofessional remark from the company lawyer about me being from America, we agreed on a settlement. The judge documented things, and we left the courtroom. Case closed.
It took me a few minutes to let things sink in. I now had closure on a matter that had been causing me a lot of anxiety over the past weeks. True, I may have left a few grand of compensation on the table, but it was important me to get this issue resolved, so that I could move on.
This closure proved very significant. For the past months, I’ve put up with listening to colleagues complain and complain about the situation at work. Indeed, things have not been good, but I had failed to see just what a negative impact this was having on me. Now, it’s settled, and I have only to work 10 more days, and then I’m through.
I felt better and better throughout the rest of the day, as I returned to work for a couple of hours, then later as I got a haircut, then visited a pizzeria, then skyped with the padres during which I had to explain all of the events again. Later that night, I nipped over to the pub and had a beer by myself outside. I took a few minutes just enjoying the moment to myself, though I did offer a few correct answers to a couple of people playing the pub quiz who popped outside to ask me who won last year’s UEFA Cup and who is Ireland’s national team goalkeeper.
A few minutes later, I was home in bed, but within the hour was up again, eating cold pizza and watching a movie. The events of the day had caught up with me, and I was enjoying some new found energy. That, or was it the double espresso I had around 10pm? (gee, is this my future? No more drinking caffeine after 8pm, otherwise I’ll never get to sleep?)
Friday morning I felt refreshed, and ready to begin my last 10 work days. Refreshed is not to be confused with “totally coherent.” Still half awake, I walked into the bathroom, hawked a spit into my dirty clothes hamper, and would have been pulling yesterday’s socks out of the toilet had the seat not been closed. Thankfully I developed the habit of leaving the seat down from a friend of mine during the year. It’s been a while since I’ve done the old subconscious switcheroo (ie..putting Tupperware in the electric oven, putting metal in the microwave, or locking your house keys along with the car key inside the rental car when you return it to the hertz office at 1.30 in the morning), and I couldn’t help but laugh.
I was still chuckling as I arrived at work, wearing the standard jeans and boots. Order restored, at least for the moment.
Last Sunday marked the 20th anniversary of the reunification of Germany. I’ve been reading about “that was then, this is now,” in my little “learn German” magazine that I get each month. Back in school, when Tim and I used to look at his poster of the fall of the Berlin wall, we used to get quite emotional about the significance of the historic event. Neither of us knew (nor imagined) that years later, I would have the chance to meet and befriend people from both the east and the west.
I certainly am not comparing my personal situation to such a meaningful event, but I do recognize that I have my own Wende, my own turning point, too. While I truly believe the coming months will be challenging for me, I’m still comforted by the fact that I’m still reminded that it’s ok to express your feeling when you feel so inclined. Take action on the things that you can control (like pursuing new employment with a positive attitude), but for those things that you can’t control, simply take it as it comes. Sobre la marcha.
Keep the faith
bryan
I sort of laughed to myself when I read the brief article on the top things that drive depression; I was 6 for 6 from the short list, and while I'd like to think I was already aware (ie..no need to celebrate a week of "hey, wake up! all this shit going on right now is bugging you" when you already know it), I did appreciate the reminders.
The past couple of weeks I've slept very little, which does not do good things for someone who tends to need quite a bit of sleep at the best of times. More than once, I had frightening moments when I glanced in the mirror as I shaved. “ooh, scary!”
True, I always wear my heart on my sleeve, and efforts to mask my emotions only work so well, even with the wit and sarcasm I have in my arsenal. People noticed my demeanor, and I found it difficult to explain just how frustrating it is to have to get up and go to work each day despite being totally uninvolved in things, now.
Fortunately, my appointment with the court to discuss my severance package was scheduled for Thursday. The early part of the week was full of ups and downs as I struggled with a bit of anxiety. I wasn’t exactly sure how the process was going to go. While I’ve accepted the fact that it’s simply the way things are done here, I am still not in total agreement.
Thursday morning came, and I wore a suit to work (first time in quite a while without ska-core footwear), which caused a bit of commotion on the bus, as the conductor (actually most of the passengers who commute with me each day, for that matter) was a bit surprised to see me in my attire. Upon arrival at work, my boss even pointed out that one normally didn’t wear a suit to this type of appointment.
I saw his point when I arrived at the courthouse after lunch to meet my lawyer, who showed up in just a sport coat. So, the proceedings were pretty straightforward: we sat with the judge and the company lawyer and discussed the fact that I had been dismissed. Their argument, there was no longer a need for someone to do my job. I did have to explain to the judge just what exactly my job was, and after that, the company put an offer of severance on the table. After a quick hallway discussion with my lawyer, we countered with a higher figure, and, after a bit of haggling, involving a rather unprofessional remark from the company lawyer about me being from America, we agreed on a settlement. The judge documented things, and we left the courtroom. Case closed.
It took me a few minutes to let things sink in. I now had closure on a matter that had been causing me a lot of anxiety over the past weeks. True, I may have left a few grand of compensation on the table, but it was important me to get this issue resolved, so that I could move on.
This closure proved very significant. For the past months, I’ve put up with listening to colleagues complain and complain about the situation at work. Indeed, things have not been good, but I had failed to see just what a negative impact this was having on me. Now, it’s settled, and I have only to work 10 more days, and then I’m through.
I felt better and better throughout the rest of the day, as I returned to work for a couple of hours, then later as I got a haircut, then visited a pizzeria, then skyped with the padres during which I had to explain all of the events again. Later that night, I nipped over to the pub and had a beer by myself outside. I took a few minutes just enjoying the moment to myself, though I did offer a few correct answers to a couple of people playing the pub quiz who popped outside to ask me who won last year’s UEFA Cup and who is Ireland’s national team goalkeeper.
A few minutes later, I was home in bed, but within the hour was up again, eating cold pizza and watching a movie. The events of the day had caught up with me, and I was enjoying some new found energy. That, or was it the double espresso I had around 10pm? (gee, is this my future? No more drinking caffeine after 8pm, otherwise I’ll never get to sleep?)
Friday morning I felt refreshed, and ready to begin my last 10 work days. Refreshed is not to be confused with “totally coherent.” Still half awake, I walked into the bathroom, hawked a spit into my dirty clothes hamper, and would have been pulling yesterday’s socks out of the toilet had the seat not been closed. Thankfully I developed the habit of leaving the seat down from a friend of mine during the year. It’s been a while since I’ve done the old subconscious switcheroo (ie..putting Tupperware in the electric oven, putting metal in the microwave, or locking your house keys along with the car key inside the rental car when you return it to the hertz office at 1.30 in the morning), and I couldn’t help but laugh.
I was still chuckling as I arrived at work, wearing the standard jeans and boots. Order restored, at least for the moment.
Last Sunday marked the 20th anniversary of the reunification of Germany. I’ve been reading about “that was then, this is now,” in my little “learn German” magazine that I get each month. Back in school, when Tim and I used to look at his poster of the fall of the Berlin wall, we used to get quite emotional about the significance of the historic event. Neither of us knew (nor imagined) that years later, I would have the chance to meet and befriend people from both the east and the west.
I certainly am not comparing my personal situation to such a meaningful event, but I do recognize that I have my own Wende, my own turning point, too. While I truly believe the coming months will be challenging for me, I’m still comforted by the fact that I’m still reminded that it’s ok to express your feeling when you feel so inclined. Take action on the things that you can control (like pursuing new employment with a positive attitude), but for those things that you can’t control, simply take it as it comes. Sobre la marcha.
Keep the faith
bryan
Monday, October 04, 2010
Two Halves Make a Whole
The plant on my balcony has been doing rather well the past three weeks. However, I was slightly alarmed to notice last week that about half of the blooms seem to have died, while the other half seem to still be perky and pretty.
I chose not to take that as a really bad omen; instead I elected to write it off as sheer inexperience on my part to look after plants. I’ve never really had a green thumb, after all.
Meanwhile, it didn’t escape me that half my week was downright crap; not altogether surprising given the emotional and stressful events of the moment. I know that the rollercoaster will continue to swerve and dip, and that will continue to impact my mood and motivation.
Fortunately, two sentences and two photos served to swing things back around for me, so that I continue to go forward with a smile on my face and my head held high, despite things.
Sure the SMS alert that sounded at 3.30am startled me awake, but moments later, when I read about a Boddies in the Old Monk, I smiled at the gesture: it came at just the right time.
A bit later in the day, I read the sentence, “I’m just too hoppy boppy,” and that struck me as an excellent way to express my sentiment, too. It’s not exactly something you can to say to everyone, but when the time suits, go for it.
On Thursday, I was totally surprised to receive two photos, which simply blew me away. Easily, they are the cutest things I’ve ever seen. While I am biased, I just wasn’t prepared to be so overwhelmed. They bring a smile to my face just at the mere thought of them: little bits of innocence, peace, and goodness…from a different era. It warms the heart.
Happy fuzzy thoughts tend to stick with me, and wow, did these ever come at just the right time. There’s always something to be said for finishing the week on a positive note.
So I continue to smile at these thoughts as I begin my last few weeks of work, all the while knowing I’m coming one step closer …
Now, I’m off to see about getting the other half of my plant to bloom.
Keep the faith
bryan
I chose not to take that as a really bad omen; instead I elected to write it off as sheer inexperience on my part to look after plants. I’ve never really had a green thumb, after all.
Meanwhile, it didn’t escape me that half my week was downright crap; not altogether surprising given the emotional and stressful events of the moment. I know that the rollercoaster will continue to swerve and dip, and that will continue to impact my mood and motivation.
Fortunately, two sentences and two photos served to swing things back around for me, so that I continue to go forward with a smile on my face and my head held high, despite things.
Sure the SMS alert that sounded at 3.30am startled me awake, but moments later, when I read about a Boddies in the Old Monk, I smiled at the gesture: it came at just the right time.
A bit later in the day, I read the sentence, “I’m just too hoppy boppy,” and that struck me as an excellent way to express my sentiment, too. It’s not exactly something you can to say to everyone, but when the time suits, go for it.
On Thursday, I was totally surprised to receive two photos, which simply blew me away. Easily, they are the cutest things I’ve ever seen. While I am biased, I just wasn’t prepared to be so overwhelmed. They bring a smile to my face just at the mere thought of them: little bits of innocence, peace, and goodness…from a different era. It warms the heart.
Happy fuzzy thoughts tend to stick with me, and wow, did these ever come at just the right time. There’s always something to be said for finishing the week on a positive note.
So I continue to smile at these thoughts as I begin my last few weeks of work, all the while knowing I’m coming one step closer …
Now, I’m off to see about getting the other half of my plant to bloom.
Keep the faith
bryan
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