Well, last week was national depression awareness week, or something along those lines. At least, that's how I interpreted it when I read one of the yahoo headlines.
I sort of laughed to myself when I read the brief article on the top things that drive depression; I was 6 for 6 from the short list, and while I'd like to think I was already aware (ie..no need to celebrate a week of "hey, wake up! all this shit going on right now is bugging you" when you already know it), I did appreciate the reminders.
The past couple of weeks I've slept very little, which does not do good things for someone who tends to need quite a bit of sleep at the best of times. More than once, I had frightening moments when I glanced in the mirror as I shaved. “ooh, scary!”
True, I always wear my heart on my sleeve, and efforts to mask my emotions only work so well, even with the wit and sarcasm I have in my arsenal. People noticed my demeanor, and I found it difficult to explain just how frustrating it is to have to get up and go to work each day despite being totally uninvolved in things, now.
Fortunately, my appointment with the court to discuss my severance package was scheduled for Thursday. The early part of the week was full of ups and downs as I struggled with a bit of anxiety. I wasn’t exactly sure how the process was going to go. While I’ve accepted the fact that it’s simply the way things are done here, I am still not in total agreement.
Thursday morning came, and I wore a suit to work (first time in quite a while without ska-core footwear), which caused a bit of commotion on the bus, as the conductor (actually most of the passengers who commute with me each day, for that matter) was a bit surprised to see me in my attire. Upon arrival at work, my boss even pointed out that one normally didn’t wear a suit to this type of appointment.
I saw his point when I arrived at the courthouse after lunch to meet my lawyer, who showed up in just a sport coat. So, the proceedings were pretty straightforward: we sat with the judge and the company lawyer and discussed the fact that I had been dismissed. Their argument, there was no longer a need for someone to do my job. I did have to explain to the judge just what exactly my job was, and after that, the company put an offer of severance on the table. After a quick hallway discussion with my lawyer, we countered with a higher figure, and, after a bit of haggling, involving a rather unprofessional remark from the company lawyer about me being from America, we agreed on a settlement. The judge documented things, and we left the courtroom. Case closed.
It took me a few minutes to let things sink in. I now had closure on a matter that had been causing me a lot of anxiety over the past weeks. True, I may have left a few grand of compensation on the table, but it was important me to get this issue resolved, so that I could move on.
This closure proved very significant. For the past months, I’ve put up with listening to colleagues complain and complain about the situation at work. Indeed, things have not been good, but I had failed to see just what a negative impact this was having on me. Now, it’s settled, and I have only to work 10 more days, and then I’m through.
I felt better and better throughout the rest of the day, as I returned to work for a couple of hours, then later as I got a haircut, then visited a pizzeria, then skyped with the padres during which I had to explain all of the events again. Later that night, I nipped over to the pub and had a beer by myself outside. I took a few minutes just enjoying the moment to myself, though I did offer a few correct answers to a couple of people playing the pub quiz who popped outside to ask me who won last year’s UEFA Cup and who is Ireland’s national team goalkeeper.
A few minutes later, I was home in bed, but within the hour was up again, eating cold pizza and watching a movie. The events of the day had caught up with me, and I was enjoying some new found energy. That, or was it the double espresso I had around 10pm? (gee, is this my future? No more drinking caffeine after 8pm, otherwise I’ll never get to sleep?)
Friday morning I felt refreshed, and ready to begin my last 10 work days. Refreshed is not to be confused with “totally coherent.” Still half awake, I walked into the bathroom, hawked a spit into my dirty clothes hamper, and would have been pulling yesterday’s socks out of the toilet had the seat not been closed. Thankfully I developed the habit of leaving the seat down from a friend of mine during the year. It’s been a while since I’ve done the old subconscious switcheroo (ie..putting Tupperware in the electric oven, putting metal in the microwave, or locking your house keys along with the car key inside the rental car when you return it to the hertz office at 1.30 in the morning), and I couldn’t help but laugh.
I was still chuckling as I arrived at work, wearing the standard jeans and boots. Order restored, at least for the moment.
Last Sunday marked the 20th anniversary of the reunification of Germany. I’ve been reading about “that was then, this is now,” in my little “learn German” magazine that I get each month. Back in school, when Tim and I used to look at his poster of the fall of the Berlin wall, we used to get quite emotional about the significance of the historic event. Neither of us knew (nor imagined) that years later, I would have the chance to meet and befriend people from both the east and the west.
I certainly am not comparing my personal situation to such a meaningful event, but I do recognize that I have my own Wende, my own turning point, too. While I truly believe the coming months will be challenging for me, I’m still comforted by the fact that I’m still reminded that it’s ok to express your feeling when you feel so inclined. Take action on the things that you can control (like pursuing new employment with a positive attitude), but for those things that you can’t control, simply take it as it comes. Sobre la marcha.
Keep the faith
bryan
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