Throughout the month of February, I found myself getting more and more uptight. I could not seem to shake the gastro issues I had been experiencing from the start of the month. By the middle of the month, I kind of said to myself, "Hey, this is going on way too long," which did not really help me in the slightest. It made me even more nervous, which, knowing my character, can quickly lead to mental overload.
I was a little bemused by the whole situation, and started making some dietary changes in effort to get myself back on track. I cut out dairy products (as one does) and decided to skip the coffees for a few days. This proved rather difficult, as smack in the middle of the month, my brand new espresso machine arrived. Said machine is simply awesome, and I was really ready to try it out, but forced myself to try and take it easy; better to hold off just a bit and let nature have a chance to help recover.
A bit of miscalculation on my part sort of helped me through the delay. The new espresso machine has a built in grinder, and as I was unpacking it and putting it on my counter top, I realized that it would not clear the cabinets. I elected to resolve the problem by purchasing a little rolling kitchen counter, the kind of thing that one might use for microwave ovens. I had to wait a few days until it was delivered. It turns out that it works perfectly in a little corner of my kitchen, freeing up much needed counter room and allowing me more space to play barista.
My tummy issues were not really improving, but I plowed on, noticing that I was getting more and more anxious. I would make myself the odd coffee or two (without milk) and tried to convince myself that things would be soon back to normal with my plumbing.
I made the mistake of reading a few forums on the internet. I might as well have just sat down and watched every scary ass horror film ever made. I managed to get myself even more worked up about things. Finally, after one rather vivid nightmare where I dreamed that I got carjacked in Germany by some English police officers who stuck me in some indoor soccer complex full of just about every unpleasant person I have ever met in my life, I decided it was time to visit the doctor.
Over the past couple of weeks, I have had a few blood samples taken, almost all of which showed negative results, which ultimately meant things are OK. Of course, this was somewhat relative, as I was still not feeling all that well.
The mental stress continued to increase as I found myself getting more and more anxious. Trying to find calming distractions did not come easily. OK, my fault that I thought watching Arsenal football would help improve my mindset; four losses on the trot only worsened my mood.
Finally, I had a little chat with myself about things, and worked on some breathing exercises. I spoke with a couple of friends who tend to have very calming effects on me, and this helped tremendously. Slowly, I was able to kind of come to terms with things and found ways to focus my energy on more positive activities: piano playing, voice-over practice, etc.
Sure, this past week I was back at the doctor's office for a couple more tests, and the anxious moments are still kind of there, but yesterday morning, I woke up feeling better than I have in the past 3 or 4 weeks. It was amazing. To celebrate, I made myself an espresso (with milk!) which tasted absolutely awesome. My stomach seems to have settled down quite a bit, and several readings of books like "Self Esteem" (Virginia Satir) and "The Book of Calm" (various) seem to have contributed to me rounding the corner on the way back to "normal weird ass self."
I celebrated further last evening with a friend at a local Vietnamese restaurant. It was a nice way to spend a Friday night, and I went to bed in good spirits.
This morning I woke up feeling more rested and while I may not be 100% back on track, I feel like I am really close. As I was just loading the washing machine, I checked a pants pocket and found a 50 euro note. Nice.
Spring is just starting up, and it is nice to have temperatures that are just a little warmer than recent weeks. I have no doubt that the lingering winter had some influence on my mood over the past month, but I am glad to feel like I am taking it all in stride, with a better perspective.
Continuing to learn about myself never fails to be enlightening. The fact that I happen to have an extra 50 euro on hand just means that I will probably spend a little time this afternoon reflecting on a good start to March in the pub.
see you out there
bryan
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