Resturlaub and To-do Lists

Today I am taking a personal day.  One of my challenges the whole time I have been in Germany is finding a way to consume all of my vacation (Urlaub) days during the calendar year.  The law pretty much states that one has to use ALL their days within a certain time period; otherwise the days will be "lost."

During my first few years in Germany, I was so caught up in getting my ass kicked by the customer, who never stopped pressuring us on the project that I was managing.  As a result, I never could take all my holidays, as (in my opinion) there was no time.  Every year I got a real telling off from my employer, who seemed to forget that he was the one that had overloaded me in the first place.  I always got frustrated during these conversations, since I recognized that a part of self-discipline is to manage one's time, including holidays.  Part of me was irritated with myself for never able to do this so well. 

I am secretly jealous of the mentality that most of my German friends have.  They simply take their holidays and separate themselves from the job.  I still remember a story I heard years ago, where some high level manager said, "Hey, I know that the factory burned down, and all the goods in the warehouse were destroyed.  Na ja, I was on vacation."

I think it is the idea that people simply walk away from the responsibility that troubles me.  I know, that this is mostly perception on my part, and over the years as I worked to improve my work-personal life balance, I do recognize that one simply must distance themselves from things from time to time.  This includes really switching off from work.

Over the years where I have had anxious moments as the stress has reached a super high level, I better understand statements like, "Just let it go," or "Joel, sometimes you have to say what the fuck."

Easier said than done, of course.

Anyway, this brings me to 2018, where I found myself ending the month of February with four remaining vacation days to take before the end of March. 

My solution?  Take every Friday off.

Actually, I kind of like doing the four day work week.  I made no plans for any long weekends away, not because I don't like traveling, but rather I enjoy kind of having a little quiet time around the house where I can do something I want to do.  In short, focus on making it a "personal" day. 

For me, this tends to include rather mundane activities, but I also try and do a few things that are not so routine.  When I was submitting my time off requests the other week, I decided to make a little list of all the things that I have been wanting to do, but never seemed to find the time for.

Although several items are related to the end of winter/coming of spring, a few items from my list include:
-clean out the older paperwork I have accumulated over the past decade
-thoroughly clean my balcony
-file my US tax return
-clean the oven (uggh)
-take all the sweaters and coats into the dry cleaners for end of season (this task I will likely need to postpone another few weeks, as freezing temperatures and snow are in this morning's weather forecast)

I can appreciate that some people might consider this list rather boring. 

"Why aren't you going to go do something fun and exciting?" I can imagine a few friends might ask.

The fact is, I like doing some of these things, and like having the feeling of having sufficient time to complete the task at my own pace.  OK, maybe the oven cleaning will not be that fun, but I do expect to feel quite gratified once it's been done.

We won't change our clocks for another couple of weeks, but as always, I am starting to wake up a little earlier as it gets light outside.  This morning was no exception.  I was awake at 6h45, and was only slightly irritated that I was getting up so early on a vacation day.  However, I quite enjoyed sitting on the balcony with my first coffee of the day, listening to the birds singing.

You see, I am trying to use the personal day to do stuff that I want to do.  If that happens to be diddly squat, then so be it. Today's agenda is not overly full, so I can leisurely do a few things that I feel like doing, at my own pace.

As always, I am sort of "on-call" with regard to work.  That being said, I am very comforted by the fact that my work email notifies everyone that I am not in the office, so it will be a quiet day. 

And a day that I plan to enjoy.

see you out there
bryan

Getting in a Tizzy Makes for a Difficult Month

Throughout the month of February, I found myself getting more and more uptight.  I could not seem to shake the gastro issues I had been experiencing from the start of the month.  By the middle of the month, I kind of said to myself, "Hey, this is going on way too long," which did not really help me in the slightest.  It made me even more nervous, which, knowing my character, can quickly lead to mental overload.

I was a little bemused by the whole situation, and started making some dietary changes in effort to get myself back on track.  I cut out dairy products (as one does) and decided to skip the coffees for a few days.  This proved rather difficult, as smack in the middle of the month, my brand new espresso machine arrived.  Said machine is simply awesome, and I was really ready to try it out, but forced myself to try and take it easy; better to hold off just a bit and let nature have a chance to help recover.

A bit of miscalculation on my part sort of helped me through the delay.  The new espresso machine has a built in grinder, and as I was unpacking it and putting it on my counter top, I realized that it would not clear the cabinets.  I elected to resolve the problem by purchasing a little rolling kitchen counter, the kind of thing that one might use for microwave ovens.  I had to wait a few days until it was delivered.  It turns out that it works perfectly in a little corner of my kitchen, freeing up much needed counter room and allowing me more space to play barista. 

My tummy issues were not really improving, but I plowed on, noticing that I was getting more and more anxious.  I would make myself the odd coffee or two (without milk) and tried to convince myself that things would be soon back to normal with my plumbing. 

I made the mistake of reading a few forums on the internet.  I might as well have just sat down and watched every scary ass horror film ever made.  I managed to get myself even more worked up about things.  Finally, after one rather vivid nightmare where I dreamed that I got carjacked in Germany by some English police officers who stuck me in some indoor soccer complex full of just about every unpleasant person I have ever met in my life, I decided it was time to visit the doctor.

Over the past couple of weeks, I have had a few blood samples taken, almost all of which showed negative results, which ultimately meant things are OK.  Of course, this was somewhat relative, as I was still not feeling all that well. 

The mental stress continued to increase as I found myself getting more and more anxious.  Trying to find calming distractions did not come easily.  OK, my fault that I thought watching Arsenal football would help improve my mindset; four losses on the trot only worsened my mood. 

Finally, I had a little chat with myself about things, and worked on some breathing exercises.  I spoke with a couple of friends who tend to have very calming effects on me, and this helped tremendously.  Slowly, I was able to kind of come to terms with things and found ways to focus my energy on more positive activities: piano playing, voice-over practice, etc. 

Sure, this past week I was back at the doctor's office for a couple more tests, and the anxious moments are still kind of there, but yesterday morning,  I woke up feeling better than I have in the past 3 or 4 weeks.  It was amazing.  To celebrate, I made myself an espresso (with milk!) which tasted absolutely awesome.  My stomach seems to have settled down quite a bit, and several readings of books like "Self Esteem" (Virginia Satir) and "The Book of Calm" (various) seem to have contributed to me rounding the corner on the way back to "normal weird ass self."

I celebrated further last evening with a friend at a local Vietnamese restaurant.  It was a nice way to spend a Friday night, and I went to bed in good spirits. 

This morning I woke up feeling more rested and while I may not be 100% back on track, I feel like I am really close.  As I was just loading the washing machine, I checked a pants pocket and found a 50 euro note.  Nice. 

Spring is just starting up, and it is nice to have temperatures that are just a little warmer than recent weeks.  I have no doubt that the lingering winter had some influence on my mood over the past month, but I am glad to feel like I am taking it all in stride, with a better perspective.

Continuing to learn about myself never fails to be enlightening.  The fact that I happen to have an extra 50 euro on hand just means that I will probably spend a little time this afternoon reflecting on a good start to March in the pub. 

see you out there
bryan