B Continuing To Be

Almost immediately after my last post, it started raining, and has pretty much continued to rain each day since then.  Along with the rain came a significant drop in temperature.  Normally, I would say that this kind of weather suits me just fine, and for the first few days I was pretty delighted. 

However, when I woke up one Saturday morning feeling that my back wasn't quite right, I got a little discouraged.  I have had some issues with my back throughout most of this year, and had been enjoying a good period of "back to normal," if you can excuse the pun.  During that weekend, I elected to skip any visits to the gym, and likewise didn't do any of the little exercises that I tend to do each day on the mat on my living room floor.  My PT had constantly reminded me that I needed to listen to my body, and I have really been heeding his advice. 

After a couple of days, I actually thought things were getting worse, which kind of spooked me.  During the summer as I finished my physical therapy,  I willed myself to find ways to avoid future back problems altogether.  Perhaps this was slightly over ambitious, as my PT had warned me that it was possible that I would experience some issues, but at any rate I was feeling a bit down last week.  True, the discomfort I was feeling in my back was NOTHING compared to what I went through four or five months ago, but I was still really irritated by the setback. 

I decided that a certain part of my back discomfort was coming from the sudden colder weather.  However, I am aware of various scientific studies that suggest that there is no correlation between increased back pain and dramatic temperature change.  Bearing this in mind, I also realized that there could be some displaced anger that was giving me the aches in my back.  Taking advantage of working from home, I spent quite a few minutes over the next several days just lying on my floor and just trying to be present. 

During the past couple of years, I have become more and more interested in this concept.  I still have a lot more to learn and experience on the subject, but last week seemed to be another milestone reached.  By the latter half of the week, after multiple sessions on my floor, I did feel calmer, and I noticed that my back pain was decreasing.   Today, almost one week later, there is still a bit of discomfort but things are certainly better than a week and half ago. 

I did not intend to spend so much time discussing my back issues in this piece, but rather focus more on the "being present" aspect.  Lying on the floor in my living room and trying to clear my mind, to be present, it is rather an interesting experience.  Last week, for example, while on the floor, I found myself thinking about some toys that I played with as a child.  Fisher-Price Adventure People first came on the market when I was around six years old, and I can still remember getting my first set of action figures.  I continued to think about all the great times I had playing with these toys.  They kept me occupied for hours and hours. 

Why did I think of Adventure People last week?  I suppose it had to do with the exercise of clearing my mind, which allowed me to recall some vivid memories from my childhood.  This wasn't so much about finding a happy place as simply being present.  True, it was more pleasant to think about those toys than to think about how poorly Arsenal have been playing in recent weeks, or why I get so agitated by one of my repair partners who never can seem to follow the documented process. 

I usually play my best piano when my mind is completely clear, and while I often use piano playing to help clear my mind, I am starting to better understand this concept of being present.  Too often, when I feel uptight, it impacts my playing.  I mentioned this a couple of weeks ago when Nadja had to sit on the balcony while I sat at the piano a few rooms away.   Although I have no tremendous desire to perform publicly, I would like to feel totally relaxed, comfortable, free, and present while playing a piece or two for someone, who could actually sit in the same room.  

Like I said, I am still working on this concept, but it is making for yet another enlightening experience, and I continue to learn about myself.  That is a good thing.

I have to accept who I am, and while I have always thought that I am pretty well versed in this understanding, I recognize that I need to continue on trying to be the best B I can be. 

It's better for me to be B.  No question.

see you out there
bryan

Taking Time to Celebrate and Remember Key People in My LIfe

I quite like being outside during a rainstorm, and over the past few weeks I have had six chances to be outside.  Five of those times were really pleasant, and more than make up for the one time that sucked.  And truthfully, the one time that sucked was not all that bad, just a bit inconvenient. I had been across town for a meeting, and as I was getting ready to walk to the U-Bahn stop, it started pouring.  I tried to wait it out for a few minutes, but then sucked it up and walked through the streets to the station, getting pretty soggy along the way. 

The other five times were great.  Two of those times, I was standing outside the pub, safely under the large umbrella covering the tables.  From my dry vantage point, I could sip my beer and watch all the people who had forgotten their rain gear dashing home through the puddles. 

The three best times, in my opinion, were when I was at home sitting on my balcony, cup of coffee in hand, enjoying the closeness to nature.  My balcony is already one of my favorite spots in my flat, and even more so when it's really coming down.  (German lesson for the day:  Es regnet junge Hunde...pretty much similar to the English expression)

I find it very peaceful and relaxing when it rains, and I tend to need all the help I can get when finding ways to relax and find peace.  On one of the mornings I sat outside, I allowed my mind to settle down and I simply tried to be present.  I had some Einaudi playing in the background, and listening and reflecting helped me have an epiphany: I knew what I could give my grandmother for her upcoming birthday. 

Sure, I am very fortunate to have some very good friends and close family.  My grandmother has always stood out to me as an exceptionally wonderful human being.  There are few people who are so loving and supportive as she is.  If I am having a bad day, I simply need think of her and I find  immediate comfort.  If I am having a good day, I think of her, and the day just gets better.  How cool is that?

A few weeks back, I played a few pieces for Nadja on the piano, and her feedback also helped me decide that I should make a little playlist for my Grandmother and send her some mp3s of stuff I have been working on.  Even though I would not be there to celebrate personally, I could at least share some happy Grandmother thoughts (and tunes) via email. 

Over the next days, I spent a lot of time practicing and getting my playlist sorted.   I selected seven pieces and hammered away to get them to a level that I deemed acceptable for public hearing.  The irony is that I do not do so well playing in public (hence the reason Nadja sat on the balcony when I played for her from my living room: somehow after all these years I still struggle to perform in front of a live audience).  This actually extends even to when I am recording the piece onto a digital track.  As soon as I hit the "record" button, I almost immediately play a wrong note or chord.  Thus, I need a few takes to get a piece just right. 

It's funny, playing piano is very relaxing to me, but it takes me a bit before I can feel fully relaxed and totally engrossed in the music, forgetting anything and everything (and everyone) around me and simply being present.  To a great extent, I thank my piano teacher for helping me with this.  Mrs. Lipsett not only was instrumental in teaching me music theory, but she helped me learn how to feel the music.  I think she recognized my aptitude early on, but she also knew how to nurture and encourage.  She would select pieces for me to learn, ones that would challenge me but also give me great reward.  Without her, I never would have gotten into guys like Czerny or Debussy. Likewise, I would not have developed such an appreciation for playing by ear.  I cannot express my gratitude enough for her influence on me. 

As I recorded my pieces, I reminded myself on how she would teach me to play a certain passage, or how to develop my technique.  It is always important to understand the notation, as it helps express the style.  I can still recall how she would help me visualize how to play staccato notes, legato notes; chord progressions; I think of this almost every time I play.  Those thoughts serve as homage to having such a wonderful teacher, a teacher that is still with me 30 years after I stopped taking lessons with her. 

 Early last Friday morning, I sent my recordings to my Grandmother; my way of wishing her a happy 101st birthday.  Later in the day, I called her on the telephone and congratulated  her personally. What a nice way to start the weekend, and I celebrated with her in spirit throughout the weekend, hoping she is enjoying listening to my gift. 

Alas, yesterday morning, I woke up to find an email from my mother, giving me the news that my piano teacher, Mrs. Lipsett, had died over the weekend.  She was a wonderful woman, an excellent teacher, and certainly helped me become who I am.  Thankfully, I can smile through my tears as I think of all the fond memories. 

So, I will finish this up and go play Ludovico Einaudi's "Experience." 

To know both my Grandmother and Mrs. Lipsett, it's an experience worth celebrating.

bryan