The Tuesday before Easter, my parents arrived in Germany for a visit. They were unable to come last year, so they were really looking forward to returning to Frankfurt after two years. Likewise, I was pretty enthused about the time we would have; we had not really planned much other than to simply hang out and be relaxed.
As I was getting out of the shower that morning, feeling like I had sufficient time to dress and get to the airport to meet them, I felt a familiar pop in my back, and realized immediately that once again, I had "done my back in."
I immediately became more anxious, and ultimately did not feel able to go to the airport. So, when my mom called, somewhat concerned, I told her that they would need to take a taxi to their hotel, and I would see them a bit later.
For the next week and half, including the Easter break, I struggled through my back pain and managed to have a pretty good time with my folks despite my ailment. Just when I was starting to feel better one morning, I reached into the chest of drawers to get a shirt and felt my back go out again. Unbelievable.
This second time round, I had the feeling that things were worse than two weeks before, and that set me down the wrong path. My parents were in town for another week, and we continued to try and make the best of things. I actually thought I was on the way to recovery just as my folks were ending their visit. Chris arrived on the last evening my parents were here, and despite the constant pain and discomfort, I felt I was rallying and able to cope. I was particularly glad that Chris was in town for a few days, as we would have a chance to catch up and do our own bit of hanging out. Additionally, his visit would make the absence of my parents a little easier; I always go through a let down period after time with family.
Well, I had one nice evening in a local German pub with Chris, but two days later right as the long weekend was starting, I experienced some extreme anxiety and ended up going to the ER, where I spent a night in the hospital. By the following morning, I felt better, and certainly wanted to go home, but spent most of the day waiting for a doctor to come by and give me an unofficial release. Due to the holiday weekend, resources were limited, and I was a lower priority (in comparison to other people in the hospital).
I arrived back home around 17h on Saturday evening, about 24 hours after I was checked in. Chris had dinner plans and was to catch an early flight back to the states the following morning, so I just stayed quietly at home. The following day, I did venture out and spent a remarkable afternoon sitting outside the pub. The weather was nice, a lot of friends were around, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself, even though I was irritated about missing some time with my friend, and all the while still very conscious that my back was not back to 100%.
The next two days were very difficult, and I was feeling all sorts of pains and aches, most likely because of my back, but I let my thoughts get the best of me, and I continued to get more and more concerned. Right after the May Day holiday, I went to the doctor, who promptly gave me an injection. We repeated that the next couple of days, and as the pain subsided, I hoped that I would continue my recovery. Unlike previous experiences where I have done something to my back, including last year, I had never had cortisone shots, and was not really keen to continue them. But, I was still very anxious, because as the days passed, I did not feel that things were improving. This was significant to me, as usually things would improve almost on a daily basis. At least, that was my experience from before.
After enduring another really difficult weekend, I felt physically and mentally exhausted, but contacted a local physical therapy praxis, as my doctor has prescribed some PT for me. Fortunately, I got to speak with a guy who arranged for my first session the following morning. Since that time, I have had about 10 sessions, usually two times per week. Between treatments, I usually have felt better, but within a day or two, I would experience various bits of discomfort, numbness, and realized that this time around, I had clearly aggravated something in my back far worse than ever before.
The ups and downs that I have had over the past 5 weeks have been mind blowing. I am one of those guys that likes to actively participate in any therapy recovery, as I realize that simply going to PT is not enough. This is similar to learning piano. Taking a piano lesson once per week is good, but you do not really advance unless you put in your practice hours on a regular (daily) basis. I know several therapists in Frankfurt and we have often discussed this. One does not get better simply by 2 sessions per week, but it what gets done outside of those sessions that is important.
My PT recognized my interest in participating in my improvement, and I am very fortunate to be working with him. I have learned a whole lot in the past month, and even though a lot of the information seems to be logical, sometimes I think that I already knew some of things, but the significance for me now is that I am finally starting to recognize the impact of how my subconscious is involved in all of this.
About a week ago, I woke up really really early on a Saturday morning, way before a reasonable hour for a weekend. OK, I like early mornings, but 4h30 was ridiculous. However, after attempting to go back to sleep a couple of times, I finally just said, "I am fucking up."
A bit later that morning, after a few coffees, I reflected on my statement to myself, and then I repeated it several times, but this time intending a different meaning. No longer was I talking about being awake (since the espresso helped that out a lot), but I was referring to the fact that I was making mistakes. Making mistakes in the way I was dealing with my back problems, making mistakes with the way I was dealing with the stress and angst that, while already prevalent in my life because of work, was now being compounded by the constant thoughts I was having about my back.
I thought back to the past few weeks and remembered the times when my back felt better. Usually I was more relaxed and at peace. Hence, the overnight stay in the hospital helped me, since I was supposedly in the safety and comfort of a place where I could easily receive any needed medical treatment. But, the following day after my brilliant Sunday afternoon, anxiety came flooding back and I immediately was feeling awful, both physically and mentally.
Getting the perspective of a very knowledgeable PT has been excellent. The guy knows his stuff, and even though I have many friends who have all said similar things, perhaps it is just hearing the message presented in a slightly different way (or in a different environment) that helps me comprehend.
Never being one to simply take one opinion as the "word," I continued to discuss some of my issues with friends, and likewise compared experiences with colleagues or Kumpels who have also had back problems. One friend mentioned a book that he heard about, which I went out and purchased. I finished it this morning, and it has given me further food for thought. The book is about healing back pain and relates the pain to stress and how we cope, how we repress our emotions.
Many things from the book make a whole lot of sense, and my PT has regularly mentioned several of the main topics over the past few weeks. In short, I am taking in a whole lot of information and relating it to my personal situation. I am realizing (in some cases for the umpteenth time) just how important the mind is when it comes to the physical being, and I recognize that I have some work to do.
I have always considered myself to be a pretty strong person, both physically and mentally, but of course that goes out the window when you have excruciating back pain, and then once your mind starts freaking out about everything, things just compound themselves. So, I am having to refocus on me, my emotions, and how I deal with all of it. A key point involves how I seem to have repressed a lot of my emotions. This creates a lot of tension, and most people that know me know me as a pretty intense individual. While that is (in my opinion) a pretty admirable character trait, it does have some associated consequences: I struggle to relax, and when working in a pretty stressful job (as I have done for 20 years), I have never really been good at simply being able to switch myself off.
My physical therapist said during our initial meeting that I was really really strong. Years of spending time in the gym and being active have been a huge benefit. That being said, in the same sentence, he told me that the experience I was having with my back was the way my body was telling me to fuck off. You see, I have always spent too much time trying to stay strong and not enough time trying to create a better balance (through rest, peace, relaxation, etc).
It is difficult to comprehend sometimes when you think you are doing all the right things, only to find out that you cause yourself some harm or damage. Fortunately, understanding and accepting how this all works is comforting, because one can then focus on how to improve.
For years, I have always made lists, whether it be a simply grocery list or a list of my top 10 albums or books or films, or a list of the pros and cons with my life, my profession, etc. Last year, I went through this exercise several times, with good results, but this is all the more reason that the past two months have been so discouraging and upsetting.
Last week, I spoke with an old colleague, a friend of mine. I related some of my recent troubles and he mentioned that what helps him is to write a list of the top 5 most important things for life, and the top 5 things for a job/profession. I spent a few days contemplating, then scribbled down a few points. So far I have identified 4 things for life, and only 1 thing for profession. This afternoon I will continue to work on those lists. Additionally, I plan on jotting down a top 5 list of things that really piss me off. This is important to me because I realize that repressing anger is just creating more stress, and deferring the stress instead of dealing with it has been where I have been lacking.
My style has always been to push through, stay strong, and I am now realizing that this was not totally the correct thing for me. Like always, the adventure continues, and I look forward to enjoying the journey. This does not mean it always be smooth sailing, and I certainly need to do a lot of reflection on my career path, but I feel up for the challenge. I always had a little post note stuck on the wall of my office cubicle during my 20s which said, "psych it up." At the time, it was my mantra (one of several), but over the years I started feeling it was a little dated.
However, the other week I listened to just about every Clash album. I hadn't done that in a long long time, and clearly had been missing it. Talk about a bit of motivation. It was brilliant. It really psyched me up in a very positive way.
So, weiter geht's. A little music here and there, a lot of reflection, and continue making, taking time for myself.
See you out there.
bryan
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