A friend of mine contacted me last month right as I was starting the new job with the news that he was about to put up a blog on his website. In addition to putting up a daily post in real time, he also shares from his journal entry from the same day eleven years ago. I found that to be a very interesting concept, and have really enjoyed following the posts; every couple of days I go to his site to read a few entries.
Pause while I just remembered that he said he was going to be in Frankfurt for a couple of days this past week. Shit. Needed to have a pint with him. (said blogger is mentioned in one of my earliest German posts. Who said that an Arsenal fan can't be friends with a fan of Man U?)
Due to my action packed movie watching and novel reading experience last weekend in Glasgow, I found myself a little behind in blog reading. I travelled to Bolougne-sur-Mer on Monday via the Chunnel, which was quite cool. Two colleagues and I arrived at our hotel, checked in, found a local restaurant, then returned the hotel after dinner. I tried to connect up to the Wi-Fi in my room, but was totally unsuccessful.
I found that the local telly was showing L'auberge Espagnole, one of my favorite films, so decided to watch that instead of doing any work. A few minutes later, one of the colleagues sent me a quick text message with the news that the other colleague had to return home suddenly as his wife had just gone into labor. Thus, we would visit the repair site without him.
The next day at the supplier, I found I was still unable to connect to the wireless network. My colleague came around the table to check my laptop, and pointed out that my wireless was turned off. Damn.
As I turned red with embarrassment, I waited for him to zing me by stating the obvious. "So, you worked in laptop repair for the past 15 years, huh?"
Well, I deserved that.
The rest of the day was spent on the repair lines, and though I did connect up and pull down my work emails, I did not have a chance to look around on the internet until Wednesday morning. I found an interesting post that my friend had written the previous week on the subject of being alone or being lonely.
That afternoon, we drove back to England, and I was dropped off at a train station about an hour outside of London. I purchased my ticket and Underground transfer; I needed to get to City Airport for my return flight that evening to Frankfurt.
I contemplated the blog entry during my entire journey home, and have continued to reflect over the past several days that I have been back in Frankfurt, rereading the entry several more times. One sentence really grabbed me: "When we can be alone with ourselves and we do not need anyone else, then we can love like we have never loved before."
I have always thrived on my independence, and acknowledge that I tend to be on my own most of the time. I stop short of saying loner, because I do greatly enjoy other people's company. Furthermore, while I have certainly exhibited a tendency to be a nonconformist through the years (I recall a manager's parting comment as I resigned from a job I held at an insurance company, "Bryan, you did a lot of great things for us here, but you will go a lot further in your career when you stop going against the flow."), I have been able to develop both my professional and personal life by always reminding myself it was better to try and be myself as opposed to trying to stand out.
No sense in attempting to point out the obvious, right?
Since I have been in Germany, people have told me on more than one occasion that I really am no different than anybody else. Although I initally took offense at the comment, I quickly realized (and remembered) that it was the truth. I had confused the fact that I was alone, or feeling alone, when in reality, everyone else has those same feelings. OK, living abroad in a different culture brings about a feeling of isolation from time to time, but so be it.
So, while I continue to be aware that I am alone, it was not until the latter part of last year that I noticed more and more feelings of being lonely. It was rather a new experience for me, and has certainly created some anxious moments.
With the new job comes additional isolation. I am travelling a bit more (er, a bit????) and am conscious of the distance that has created. I was so glad to get home last Wednesday night and have the chance to see people that are close to me.
Sure, sometimes I wonder if I am missed, but then I read a blog post and the reassuring words.
I am comfortable with the fact that I can be alone. This ability to not feel dependent on someone enables me to concentrate more on the things that I know I carry with me: faith, hope, and love. Whether I am playing the song by the Damned on guitar, or dancing in a club to the cool track by the Police, reading a blog post, travelling to Budapest, or just living life, I keep the faith, have hope, and am able to love.
See you out there.
bryan
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