Fresh Start...at Last

So for the first time in months, I’m feeling like I’m back in the game. And it feels bloody brilliant.

I’m back from a stateside visit for almost 6 weeks, and have twice discarded about 20 pages of writing…recents attempts to write up the summer trip, attempts to make sense of everything in my life, etc. Though I finished (and have subsequently scrapped) the last 8 pages I wrote last Thursday evening, it was an exercise that had to be done.

Recently, I’ve reread almost 90% of everything I’ve written in the past 10 years, and, while sort of impressed at the overall story, realized that some of the underlying themes have just continued to continue. Er, cigarettes and alcohol?

I can't bring myself to do that again, particularly in the form of a summer write up. Additionally, most of the stories I’ve written in 2008 have been all about how much work has sucked. Shoot, even I’m tired of talking about it. I can only imagine how many people have grown tired of seeing the same old comments month after month.

I had this past weekend to reflect on a lot of things while I was at home suffering from a cold, and it helped get me to this afternoon epiphany. Finally, the catalyst has hit, and I can honestly say that I feel like expressing a bit more, and certainly feel fuckloads better than I have in months.

Was it the recent trip to the states? I’m sure that has a bit to do with it. However, my time there was short, and a bit emotional as I didn’t get to spend a whole lot of time with anyone really. The times I did hang out there I think I spent a fair amount of time trying to hide the fact that work truly has taken it’s toll on me. This isn’t something that many of the stateside readers would really be able to grasp merely from a blog entry.

However, on this side of the world, it’s a different story.

A friend of mine here in Germany recently said that she thought I hadn’t looked happy in months. Though I was pretty surprised by the comment, I value her judgement, and furthermore, spent the next three weeks thinking hard about that comment.

I don’t get to see her that much, but that in it’s own right said something to me; if that’s the way I look to her, rather infrequently, then how can I look to all those people I see every day? Are they all thinking the same thing? Perhaps more importantly, what do I think?

I’ve always spent loads of time looking for ways to pysch myself up, but realized here in the past days that I wasn’t really doing a very good job. Sure, finding new music to blow my ears out to helps, as does learning a few new songs on guitar. However, what occurred to me today was that I’ve simply not been getting over myself, despite what I’ve written, what I’ve told myself, and what others have suggested to me in passing over these past few months.

That all seems to have changed this afternoon, during a relatively ordinary work day, that has been neither truly shitty nor truly great.

Am I that concerned with what actually forced the issue; forced me to wake up? Not at all.

What I'm fired up about is simply this: bring on the challenges, bring on the good times, bring on the (hopefully not so frequent) bad times. I'm able to face the challenges, like ever, but this time round, I've got the feeling that I can just motor on through, with a smile on my face, a steel toed spring in my step, and with the right attitude.

A couple of weeks back during a conversation with Chris, we both agreed that in my role at work, it's difficult to have a bad day. Why not? Well, cos' all the people who work for you pick up on that really quickly and freak out, for starters.

I've thought about that nonstop since that chat, and that, too, has really helped the situation. (Several times I've actually announced to several guys at work, after going on about some really unpleasant challenging topic, "but it's ok, cos' I'm not having a bad day!". (note - in German, you can't really say it that way)

So despite the fact that nothing has really changed for me, EVERYTHING has changed for me.
And if I'm gonna change the world, it's gotta start with me.

There you have it. A bit of a positive spin for the first time in a long while. Right on.

That's the bit for right now.

keep the faith
bryan

soundtrack
Figures on a Beach - Accidentally 4th Street (Gloria)
Yellowcard - Five Becomes Four
The Clash - Complete Control

ps. thanks to all the folks I saw in Dallas in August for such a great time
Particular thanks to Jeff, Pablo, Jen, and now little Arturo, Mitch, Tim and Shannon, Moe, and as always, to the unstoppable family McKee.