Amazing. The past few weeks, months, even, have proven to be a bit of a struggle for me on the personal front. Lots of reasons as to why, most of which will not be discussed here, but it has been tough. Things that never used to bother me seem to really create problems now. I know many things are beyond my control, and anyone with sense would simply not let those things get to them. I seem to be losing common sense...
That said, I still seem to find ways to bugger through, though it is far from pretty.
At the beginning of the year, I realized I was lacking something in my life and decided it best to purchase a piano (as you do). Well, I ordered the piano, was told it would arrive in middle March, and quietly waited (desperately) for March to arrive. Meanwhile, as mentioned, things were getting more and more difficult, and I was getting a bit antsy. (you might interpret that as full scale panic).
When I inquired with the piano store as to the status of my order in mid March, I discovered that the keyboard had arrived, but the stand did not. That would take another week. Another week came and went, followed by another week, and finally the week before Easter. Again, I will spare you the story as to why so many delays.
Though I do not smile or laugh as much these days, I did have a few cynical chuckles with a couple of people; the whole thing seemed to be taking way too long.
As soon as you learn how to go through the motions, one can basically get through. That is more or less what I did over Easter and the past couple of weeks (months).
Yesterday, I woke up from a sleepless night (try that with your eyes closed), managed to get out of bed (which lately has taken a lot of effort)and started working. Unfortunately, I had too many things on the brain, too many unhappy thoughts in my head, and I found myself completely incapacitated.
As usual when this happens (and yes, this is not the first time), I frantically try to find the right music to help me through. Recent efforts have been in vain, and this day was no exception. Imagine, 70 some odd GB of music, and not a thing that strikes an emotion. I willed myself not to completely lose control, and tried to regain my composure. I paced around the flat, trying to figure out what do next. I tried to concentrate, but felt everything slipping.
Still, I was keeping an eye on emails (I was working afterall), and suddenly noticed a new email from the piano store guy: the stand had arrived!
I quickly answered that I would come by that evening to make payment, but also found that delivery would not be until Friday. Close, but not in hand.
So, I made the payment, arranged the time on Friday for the guy to bring the piano, and felt slightly better.
Another restless night, followed by an early train ride to Aachen this morning. I was on autopilot, which was a bit alarming because early mornings can be peaceful on the trains; I usually enjoy them quite a bit. However, the way things are going for me at moment, all bets are off.
I found a seat in the dining car, and powered up my tablet pc to listen to a little music.
Last weekend during a frantic quest to find something to spark my mood, I pulled down an album where Ben Folds wrote the music and performs, with lyrics by Nick Hornby. These two guys have tremendous influence on me and the album is quality.
It was this album I selected and one particular song grabbed me today, and as I teared up, I couldn't help thinking that at least I was reacting to the music; I had thought the music had almost stopped. The song was all about the lack of hope, and pretty well sums up my current situation.
Regardless of how you interpret lyrics, "hope is a bastard,hope is a liar, a cheat and a tease" is a pretty clear feeling.
Expressed as only Nick and Ben could do, I listened to the song repeatedly for the next few minutes and I found it ironic and fitting that I will soon have my 88s back with me; I simply have to have that instrument close by in my life. When someone goes too long without eating, their blood sugar goes crappy and weird things start to happen (yep, that happens to me too). It must have been a really alarming moment for the person across from me on the train that got the front row seat, but for what it's worth, it was much more alarming for me, the guy going through it.
While I may have a cynical side, and i am certainly more guarded than ever before, I know that I came really close to going over the edge. Rather than lose the music, and have it stop forever, I am rather thankful that in the nick of time, my closest friend will soon be back with me.
And that is what keeping the faith is all about.
Here's hoping to more smiles soon...
